You don’t know me, but I know you because of the challenge you are facing.
Many years ago, I was confronted not once but twice with your similar circumstance… an untimely, possibly irresponsible or unwanted pregnancy. Back then, in the 70’s, it truly was considered a non-issue morally and ethically. An abortion was an easy, convenient and affordable answer to my condition. It was promoted as an ideal solution because after all, it was “simply tissue”. The scientific data to prove life at conception was many years down the road. However, just years after my procedures, I experienced an unexpected nagging feeling of remorse that would crop up every once in a while to prick at my conscience.
Here’s a little background that led to my horrific decisions and lifestyle. No excuses, simply the facts.
Up front I want you to realize this is written from the perspective of someone who now has a relationship with a Savior… Jesus Christ… and has now been forgiven.
The Reader’s Digest version is as follows:
I would say I grew up, for the most part of my younger life, naively optímistic about life in general. Family life was loving and very family oriented with parents who were fair but with boundaries.
I will skip straight to the decisions that ultimately changed me as a person. My first marriage, at the age of barely 19, was to someone who could not have been more different than me. I truly believe I loved him, but not as someone I respected, but rather someone I felt I could help change. Our relationship was very rocky at best but if I could change him and love him into a non- destructive life, I knew the life I had always known and dreamt of previously would take hold in our marriage.
Three years in and out of separations, I realized the drugs, alcohol, sexual immorality and verbal and physical abuse that I was subjected to, crushed my very spirit and slowly began to make me forget the very essence of who I really was. Instead of me changing him… I was changing and my soul was being stomach ache with sorrow. Thankfully, it is a Godly sorrow now and a gentle reminder of how far from God I had gone and a place I never want to revisit.
My abortions, as I said previously, were easy, convenient and affordable. I left the clinic both times with no feeling of remorse… just relief! I am writing this letter to you to let you know that the choice to abort a life will crop up to haunt your soul for the rest of your life. A nagging, innocent spirit will. Gently remind you of what could have been. I am forgiven, although sometimes I think I shouldn’t be. Luckily, I found a Savior in Jesus Christ who not only forgives but forgets. Unfortunately, because I am not Him… I cannot forget!
Decisions all through life are complicated and sometimes with no ideal solution. I’m not sure where you stand regarding a relationship with Jesus Christ but I can tell you that you will never experience true peace until you seek Him. He is the Prince of Peace. Please… before you make a decision, seek God’s wisdom, aligning a decision with His Word, and remember the path of Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior is lit for all to walk upon. Hopefully, with His inspiration, you will come to a conclusion that God will honor. Remembering we are flawed sinners even at our best moments in life, God will shower down blessings on those who seek Him and follow His Word and Commandments.
There are Godly choices and resolutions, but because I don’t know you’re particular situation, I’m limited in how I can help. However, my God is not, so I entrust my prayers and thoughts, of all women in similar situations, over to Him for guidance, grace and mercy.
I ask you to be reminded of how a parent disciplines their children out of love, so too does God. With my second husband I have been pregnant four times. I have two beautiful daughters, I had one miscarriage and I gave birth to my first child, a son, who was stillborn. Sin has consequences! I know God loves me so much that sometimes things are allowed to happen for His good purpose. I do not take life for granted anymore… and especially life at conception!
God only knows who might be growing in you. All the great leaders and visionaries… had a mom. All the average people who maybe weren’t famous but enhanced the world just by being average… they too had a mom. All the people that developed cures or invented new technology… they had to have a sucked out of me. Thankfully, the true love and support I was shown in my younger years gave me the courage to get out of that toxic relationship and luckily there was enough of me left to do just that. After a fairly easy divorce, I was on a mission to find that happiness that came so easily before my disastrous marriage. I just ended up looking in the wrong places.
Growing up, I not only had incredible family and friend support, but I also had a childlike faith in God. In my journey back to myself I should have relied on those things but unfortunately, I made a choice to turn towards worldly happiness. Not only did it look deceptively enticing and fun, but at the time it was an accepted and embraced lifestyle by most. Whatever “felt good” was acceptable no matter who got hurt.
The world called my fleshly body and my broken spirit to a life of destructive behavior that at the time seemed harmless. Nothing within my family or friends changed dramatically as they were always there for me with unconditional love and support. Unbeknownst to me, they could see the difference in me but did not know how to help me. Those not so close only saw an optimistic and bubbly person and someone to call for a good time. I masked the cynicism I felt about myself because of shame, and deep down accepted the fact that it would be impossible to recapture my innocently positive spirit. I believed that person could no longer exist based on the ugliness of the life I was leading and for a while gave into the thought of “If you can’t beat them… join them.” On the outside I could fool most anyone that did not know me well. While on the inside I felt lonely. I was searching for happiness but continued to have a nagging and uneasy feeling about my lifestyle. I was treading water to keep up the facade as I continually indulged in sinful and destructive behavior. At the same time, I was drowning on the inside as I was losing the struggle to feel like myself again, the person I wanted my family and friends to be proud of. Although I had not yet developed a mature relationship with God, in retrospect, I now realize that if I would have focused on pleasing Him I would have found the peace I was looking for.
Three years is relatively a short span of time, but the destructive evil that I accomplished during those three years most likely had Satan giving me a standing ovation. I broke almost every single one of God’s commandments … including murder. Writing that word, to this day, makes my face flush and my mom. It’s true that even evil people… had to have a mom. But think about this…would evil lessen if love was more abundant, if making hard choices was given over to God for guidance, if people would take a moment to think and tap into their spiritual side to discern right from wrong? An easy solution for a temporarily hard situation can result in a lifelong sorrow that could have been avoided given the opportunity to choose love and respect for life.
Erring on the side of murder may bring a quick fix but it will result in an everlasting and eternal haunting! Erring on the side of life may bring challenges, but it will produce a peace that passes all understanding.
I am forgiven and thankfully continue to have a Godly sorrow for my choices. But because I am human, I will never be able to forget!!!
Please consider your choice and I will be praying for all women to choose love, Godly discernment and respect for the life inside you that started at conception.
Walking in His Footsteps,